Journal Entry: Sat Apr 27, 2013, 3:57 PM
Reading: The Great Gatsby
Watching: Gone In 60 Seconds
Eating: spaghetti & pizza
Drinking: Dr Pepper w Cherry Coke
Oh man... such chaos has hit the past couple weeks! If you know anything about me at all, you know that I've had seizures for quite some time now (14 years, later this year, to be exact). And also, you know that the seizures have been progressively getting worse and worse. They went from simple 'blanking out' moments, with slurred speech, to falling during seizures, to the eventual breaking bones from falling while having seizures. To put it bluntly, the variety of meds I've been on, have just frankly, stopped working. Well, after some major threatening by a loved one, I finally decided get my act together, to look into exactly *why* my condition is getting worse & worse. I recently had a week-long seizure study performed, and after 2 & a half days, I was released, they had enough results quickly, because my brain is CONSTANTLY having seizures 24/7. And then when I have the seizures where I fall/break bones/slur speech/blank out, those are 'massive' seizures, where my brain is too overloaded with the constant mini ones, that my brain in effect shuts down & reboots.
Well, to solve this issue, I have two options... change meds again, or have a brain surgery. I was told that after going through at least 5 different seizure meds that don't work, that if I change to any others, the likelihood of them working to control the seizures, is practically slim to none. Now, I was put on a med to slow down the constancy of the 24/7 little ones... that should work some. I am also to be weaned off of one med that apparently really did more harm than good. And, on May 1 & May 15, I am to go in for testing, to see how effective the brain surgery will be. The biggest problem that the doctors could see from the get-go, is that I'm ambidextrous, so they need to see what will be effected with that. Otherwise, they have said in regards to the seizures, I will be 100% cured, no seizures ever again (assuredly some during recovery, but none after a while) or I will be no worse off than I am now, but at least the seizures will never get any worse than they are currently. But I am very hopeful, very thankful (and yes, still very scared), that I have been presented this option of surgery. And, God-willing, that I am seizure free by my birthday, later this year, I will go to Blue Man Group, as a celebration for being seizure free & turning the big 3-0. But I do ask of you, if you believe in prayer, or even if you don't, say a few prayers for me for the next few weeks and months, that everything goes according to plan.
Another thing, closely related, I have been dealing with a lot of anxieties, clingy-ness, moodiness, and a LOT of other issues (not going into now) my whole life... getting worse and worse over time.... and after seeing a psychologist for a while, I finally got to go to a psychiatrist on my own (thank god, so annoying going with a parent ~ the insist on going in to my visits, and screw me over royally) and after one visit, I have finally figured out exactly what the hell is wrong with me... pretty much what I was told when I was little, but my parents (especially mom) refused to have me "labelled" as... I have borderline personality disorder & bipolar. I'm not just "crazy, rude, and obnoxious" as my parents have always called me. And, as weird as it may sound, after I went and looked up both disorders online, I swear, I felt this feeling of peace & tranquility wash over me ~ I even slept better that night than I have in YEARS!!
But, the silver lining of my cloud of chaos.... I might be getting a new dog!! She's an Alaskan Husky/Australian Kelpie mix. She has one brown eye, and one blue eye, and I'd say strawberry-blonde fur. Her name's Alaska, she's about 5 years old, and she's VERY shy. Patrick & I have met her a couple times, we need to meet her at least one more time before she can go home with us. I can't wait till we get to take our girl home with us!!